You see, in that house on Golf Ave. in the summer of 1993, my parents made the decision to get divorced. Everything I had always known suddenly changed and my whole life took on a whole new direction. That's pretty intense for a 9 year old to handle and so I dealt with it the only way I knew how: by burying deep down and going with the flow; a flow I had no control over.
When I asked the Lord for healing 5 years ago, I had no idea it would include ALL healing: physically, emotionally, mentally and relationally. He began addressing things that I thought I had gotten over. But in reality, I was just far removed on the outside, distanced through years, changes of cities, growing up; marriage. But not far removed on the inside. He began addressing the fear, anxiety and obsessive thinking and behavior I had been dealing with and managing since I was a little girl. He started dealing with wounds from my past, bitterness, disappointments, hurts, unforgiveness; everything that holds people back from true freedom. I thought I was free, but in the past 5 years I've begun experiencing and seeing what freedom really looks like. And I've experienced His love in new and profound ways.
I knew I needed this freedom because when I turned 30, the pains from the past suddenly burst forth unexpectedly and I was not by any means prepared to handle the onslaught. I was caught off guard emotionally. Suddenly everything I probably felt at 9 but didn't know how to express, awoke in me all at once and with tidal wave force. And all the time before that, I thought I was fine. It wasn't until after the birth of my daughter when I dealt with a little postpartum depression and then later encountered some other emotionally jarring things that really shook me, things that most people would have thought wasn't a big deal. But the way I responded to it made me realize that I needed some serious emotional healing. And through it, I also realized that I needed to forgive my parents and heal from the divorce. I had never properly mourned the dissolution of their marriage and while I loved (and still love) both of them, the emotional trauma caused some serious problems in my relationship with my dad (most intensely) and some with my mom too. All of this came forward to the surface suddenly and unexpectedly.
It's been a little wild for me, because when I asked for healing I didn't expect the kind of process that the Lord decided to guide me through. In this process it's been at times very painful. Mostly the letting go of my protective walls, bad emotional and thinking habits, and learning to live free. The best thing I can compare it to is the pain of childbirth, where it hurts, but once the process starts, it can't stop, you can't ever go back. It's an inevitable force where your body literally takes over and you have to keep pushing forward. But after the labor comes the delivery and then the holding of the gift you've been waiting for, the sweet life that's been growing inside of you. And having just birthed the promise, you sit in the place where suddenly all the pain fades away. If you try to go back, you'll only cause injury to yourself and miss out on the gift. In this case, I asked the Lord to take over, and once you ask the Father to come in and heal you and birth your freedom, going back would never feel the same. Most people don't know my story, and through this healing process (which I'm still in, but progressing forward victoriously), the Lord has shown me that people need to know it now. I've said so often to Him in our times together "Father how can I put into words the wonderful things you've done?" And consistently He's said, "You'll know when it's time."
There have been so many victories along the way. There also have been many unexpected things in this journey. Beautiful things I never thought would ever happen, have happened; prayers of my heart that God heard and knew I needed, but perhaps didn't know how to put it into words. But as soon as I saw those amazing things, it made me ask for more! There has even been healing in my family that I didn't even know was possible. Things my parents have said to me in kindness about each other after years of hearing negative things back and forth, have taken me by complete surprise! The blaming has turned into a mutual understanding of each other. It's been quite miraculous! But those things have truly been healing to my heart and have been clear confirmation of God's hand in it all. For the first time since I was a little girl, I've even started to see my dad the way a daughter should see her daddy, when there were many years that it was very difficult for me to see that. For much of my growing up and into my adulthood there was an enormous physical and emotional chasm that separated us. Years that we barely spoke to each other (or didn't speak at all) have turned into normal healthy conversations with no tension, random sweet text messages and just the simplicity of being happy to hear from each other. I've truly begun to see things differently because of this restoration. These things can only happen by the hand and help of a very loving and very real God who loves His children and cares about their well-being. I'm crying as I write this because this is just HOW GOD IS! IT'S WHAT HE'S LIKE! THIS IS HOW HE WORKS!
As I said before, things I never even knew I wanted, He's made come to pass. But also, He would put some unexpected wonderful desire on my heart, and I would ask Him for it and He would then do it. He's still doing that, and I know He will continue to do that. The healing has happened differently than I thought it would. You see, He knows the perfect order so it's done completely and entirely, not half-way. That's been a challenge for me at times, someone who has had to be in control of everything all the time to protect myself. But it's been so wonderfully good for me too.
I just want you all to know that my healing is coming to pass! It's not just a fantasy! It's beautifully and wonderfully miraculous and only started when I came to the Father and asked for help. When you come into relationship with God through Jesus, you get to experience this and so much more. HE HEALS ALL THINGS! When you give God permission to set you free, He really and unquestionably sets you free. One of the main things I've noticed in this process is that He is so gentle and so patient. Every step He's had me take, He's prepared and made me ready for. I mean, I'm talking about things that I never would have ever done had I not partnered with Him in this. So I've found there's no reason to be afraid of letting Him in and letting Him handle things because His way is THE BEST.
Everyone's process is different. There are no comparisons. God loves you and knows you inside and out. Only He knows the best way and the perfect order to bring the restoration you need. But I can tell you that it's worth it in every way!
Talk to you soon :)
XOXO
Kristin
For a song that truly has been my experience, click this link: Defender
"When I thought I lost me, you knew where I left me. You reintroduced me to Your love.
You picked all my pieces and put me back together. You are the defender of my heart." -Defender
